Manly Mormons muscle in on Melrose movie melee

Jerry Springer: The Opera continues to provide entertainment with its first public as a film in the border town on Melrose. MWW has already reported on the local vicar’s reaction. Now a spokesman from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has joined the attack.

His name is John Grant, and he speaks thusly:

Is there no-one manly enough and with enough leadership and gumption in those councils involved in maintaining decency in our communities that can speak up for the silent majority, which I believe still exists amongst us?

We think it’s pretty manly of The Wynd theatre owner to have the gumption to put the show on in the first place. Indeed, going to see the show is in itself an act of great manliness – except for the women, in whose case attendance would be a great femininity enhancer.

Felix Sear, the owner, has put up a virile defence of the show, saying it simply continues the tradition of barrier-breaking productions by the theatre, which have included date-rape, full-frontal nudity, and actor urinating on stage, and sexually-explicit action. Council Chairman “Big” Willie Windram also spoke out for the show, claiming that the people of Melrose were culturally sophisticated and would be “quite chuffed” that their town was hosting the first public screening.

The red-blooded John Grant was having none of that, branding Mr Windram’s comments as “weak and pathetic”. He tackled Felix Sear’s comments too:

It is utter drivel for him to talk about creative people and their work, and to link that to shows he promotes about date rape, full-frontal nudity and actors urinating. The pages of newspapers are full every week of these acts and they are all criminal in the eyes of our courts.

Note his muscular use of the non-sequitur.

Despite his complaining that there is noone manly enough on the council to do something about the performance, Grant insists that he is “an advocate of free speech”.

6 Responses to “Manly Mormons muscle in on Melrose movie melee”

  1. Joe says:

    I can understand Mr Grant’s problem with nudity; any “religion” with its own special underwear is clearly possessed of a very special kind of prudery. But urination illegal? Is he mad? (Obviously, yes, or he wouldn’t be a Mormon, but allow me my rhetorical tics.) His kidneys must be in a right state.

  2. Andrew Nixon says:

    I know it’s childish, but I’ve always found it funny that you need only remove one letter to turn Mormon into Moron.

  3. Andy A says:

    I know it’s childish, but I’ve always found it funny that you need only remove one letter to turn Mormon into Moron.

    I know, I know. I’ve been doing it for years, and I’ve got a pile of m’s I just don’t know what to do with. They’re all over the house. I keep hoping for a nice vision or the smell of a nice meal, so I can utter mmm, and get rid of three at a time. I could sell them on eBay, of course – or I wonder if the makers of M&Ms might like to buy some to put on their packets. I could keep writing ‘dimethylaminomethyleneaminomethylenedimethylammonium’, since there are nine m’s in it, but who would wish to read that over and over again. There are five in ‘ammopalladammonium’ and ‘formaldehydetetramethylamidofluorimum’ and four in ‘mummydom’, ‘mammiform’, ‘mammonism’, ‘mummiform’, ‘Mohammedism’, ‘immunocompromised’, ‘mesembryanthemum’, ‘mammectomy’, ‘multimammate’ and ‘mammogram’. But I think I’ll stop there. This is getting very silly but, hey, it’s nearly the weekend.

  4. Andrew Nixon says:

    It looks like some of your spare Ms were used in this post’s title.

  5. Stuart says:

    Has anyone taken the Mormons seriously since the Osmonds?
    Incidentally, on ‘manly’ behaviour from Mormons, anybody remember that Joyce McKinney case?

  6. They need their equivalent of Stephen Green, the Manly Christian.