Turtle’s head done in by kiss

While Massah John Beyer is away, Dave Turtle heads the Mediawatch-UK quote machine to the best of his ability. When the Daily Star (no direct link) calls for a comment on the Dr Who “gay kiss”, he does not flinch from his duty.

The final episode of the already-classic BBC sci-fi series featured the bi-sexual Captain Jack Harkness bidding his two friends, Rose and the Doctor, a final farewell. Convinced they were all going to die, Captain Jack kissed both his buddies on the lips before going downstairs to do mortal battle with the invading daleks.

Little Dave T must have seen something something sexually perverse in the scene because he said:

This is totally inappropriate, considering Doctor Who goes out in the early evening and is meant to be for family viewing.

What is going on, we wonder, in Turtle’s head?

And will we ever tire of that joke?

(Tipped from Outpost Gallifrey)

Deputy Turtle sticks his neck out

Maybe John Beyer wasn’t available when the Mail/Evening Standard called for a comment about the withdrawn BBC Wimbledon ad which featured the shattering player. No matter, because Mediawatch-UK spokesman Dave Turtle was there to provide the kind of high-quality quote we’ve come to expect from that organisation.

Tennis is supposed to be a positive sport, not something that is negative or damaging.

Worthy of the Massah himself, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Bye bye Beyer, hello Viv

Mediawatch-UK, the increasingly irrelevant activist group after which this website was named, has confounded pundits by appointing a relative unknown as its new Director. Vivienne Pattison has up to now created barely a ripple in the cesspool of pro-censorship activism, so it will be interesting to see what she brings.

Unlike Beyer’s mini me, The Boy Turtle, Vivienne is an unknown quantity. Does she, like Beyer, form her most deeply held opinions on the basis of a fundamental confusion between correlation and cause? Does she share his way with words, or can she string together a coherent sentence? As a former accounts director at a public relations company, she looks to be in a different league.

Here at MWW we extend our congratulations to Vivienne Pattison on her appointment, and wait eagerly for her contribution to the UK’s cultural conversation.

Oh, and bye-bye John. Enjoy your retirement.

The Mail generates a “row” with call to Beyer

With “Massah” John Beyer stepping down as director of Mediawatch-UK at the end of September, it is left to us to sadly savour the last words of The Dail Mail’s favourite rent-a-gob, as we would savour the final drops at the bottom of a glass of fine malt whisky.

The latest “row” conjured up by a reporter’s phone call to the Sage of Ashford concerns the BBC’s choice of Martina Hingis as a contestant in the popular show Strictly Come Dancing (known to its fans simply as “Strictly”).

Hingis, you may remember, tested positive for cocaine in 2007 – although she has always protested her innocence. The Mail reporter, presumably short of a story during the silly season, spotted the chance of an easy 500 words and promptly rang our hero:

This is a family show that is targeted at a family audience.

One of the reasons lazy reporters love Beyer must surely be the sheer the word-count he provides with his tautologies and convoluted pseudo-officialese:

The danger is that this decision would tend to minimise the seriousness of her drug-taking, which resulted in a ban on her playing.

The BBC could have put in many other personalities who I’m sure would love to take part in the show and they could have chosen someone without that record. The question is whether it sets a good or bad example.

The real question is – who is going to replace John Beyer? The clever money is on The Boy Turtle, who has deputised for the Massah on several occasions. His appointment will not be to everyone’s taste. While his rent-a-quotes to date have displayed a satisfyingly Beyeresque facility with the English language, he appears to lack his master’s charisma.

MWW will, as ever, keep you informed.

GI Jonny and Captain Bareback

This video, produced by BBC Learning and the Terence Higgins Trust, has been branded “disgusting” and “degrading” by the National Confederation of Parent Teachers Associations and Mediawatch-UK. It is part of a safe-sex awareness programme aimed at 16-24 years olds.

With its rapid-fire double entendres and stop-action hero style it appears to hit its age-band target spot on. So it is hardly surprising that bone-headed prudes don’t get it.

David Turtle of Mediawatch-UK tells Metro:

This film is degrading to women and encourages casual sex and normalises certain kinds of sexual behaviour.

There is no hint of a loving relationship in this film. It is highly irresponsible of the BBC.

What a load of slimy spoff.

Channel Four tops complained about shows list

Before I get into the main part of the article, I’ll just let you know that I’ll be blogging on MWW for a short while as Monitor takes a well deserved holiday. You all may know me from my comments on the site (Originally as Andrew Nixon, more recently as just plain andrew), and I hope my contributions match the sites usual quality. Anyway, on with the story…..

We’re a bit late covering this one, but it’s worth a quick blog anyway. The Evening Standard reports that Channel Four is the most complained about channel on UK TV, according to figures from Ofcom. Eight shows in the top 20 most complained about shows are from the channel, with Big Brother coming in first place (1,147 complaints), with the celebrity edition making it into the “hit parade” at third place. According to that table, Coronation Street is six times as offensive as the BNP party political broadcast. BBC Two and, remarkably, Channel Five escape the top 20 list.

Of course such an article has to contain something from those rent-a-quote “moral guardians” over at mediawatch. John Beyer was obviously too busy, so it was left to his deputy David Turtle to accuse the channels of “dumbing down” and highlighting “bad language, violence and a constant diet of bad behaviour”. More comments from Tuttle follow:

“When even the BBC is cutting back on reality shows Channel 4 seems intent on putting out more of the same, but the net result is they are alienating and upsetting their viewers.

“Even family shows like Emmerdale and Coronation Street are churning out sensationalist plotlines with ever-increasing violence and sexual behaviour. They have dumbed down and as a result are offending more of their audience.”

As the top 20 list shows, not even 1% of most of the show audiences actually complained, so it can’t be that much of a problem can it? Some sense came from a Channel 4 spokeswoman who said:

An important part of Channel 4’s job is to push boundaries in TV. While we operate within the guidelines set by our regulator, we are bound to provoke a strong response and stimulate debate among viewers.

Mediawatch-UK changes mind on porn laws

The Church of England Newspaper reports a strange turnaround in Mediawatch-UK’s attitude to the proposed new violent porn laws.

John Beyer had initially welcomed the proposal, but his ambitious deputy David Turtle broke ranks to tell the Church newspaper “a law which is badly put together is worse than no law at all”. Apparently, he thinks the government missed a “marvellous opportunity” to crack down on smut in all its forms, and that these new laws represent a “fudged approach”.

Why decompartmentalise some hardcore porn websites from others? It is an illogical approach to the problem.

With such an elegant way with words (decompartmentalise?) and firm grasp of logic, Turtle is well qualified to take over at the helm of Mediawatch-UK when the “Massah” retires. And it looks like he is even more censorious than his mentor. He certainly won’t tolerate any fudging.

Meanwhile, Christian social care charity CARE have welcomed the law. Pornography has been one of their bugbears for a while. Last December they organised a conference on the subject, entitled “Searching for Intimacy”. A Christian singer wrote songs specially for the event on the theme “the divine plea for purity”.

The law is under consultation until December. Consultation response forms are available from the Home Office website.

Scientologist squirt “unacceptable”

It’s turning in to a real Turtle-fest this week. Mediawatch-UK spokesman Dave Turtle is taking full advantage of Massah John Beyer’s absence and getting his name into the papers at every opportunity.

The latest is a PA report, printed in The Scotsman, about the recent Channel 4 TV prank in which a bogus reporter squirted tiny scientologist Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone.

Turtle is quoted extensively by PA reporter Alison Purdy, who must have been working to a tight deadline. True to form, his comments have a breathtaking banality that can only be achieved after years of study under Massah himself. Highlights include:

If the media continue to encourage and condone that behaviour where will it lead?


It normalises this kind of behaviour. It tells people it is normal to act in this way.

Unfortunately, with Beyer away there are no updates to the Mediawatch-UK website recording Turtle’s words for posterity. Maybe there is nobody there with the requisite button-pressing skills.